Archive | January 2013

How to be a Successful Gold Digger

So you’ve decided that feminism wasn’t for you? Don’t want to marry Average Joe either? Fantastic. Here, Suburban Dictionary provide you with some tips on how to snag that rich guy you’ve always felt you deserved. My strategy for becoming a Gold Digger is split into two parts- things you must work on yourself and actions you must take in the dating scene. Results aren’t guaranteed, but the odds are a hell of a lot higher than playing the lottery. Bank on it.

Work on Yourself:

If you intend to become a gold digger, you must change your mind set. Ultimately, you are creating a business exchange in which you trade your physical appearance for the man’s finances. This means that your body becomes a physical business asset with dating market value, determined by the number and quality of guys who want to bang you.

No one has a perfect body, and there are several ways of improving your physical attributes. This means that you have to invest significant amounts of money and effort into your body before you enter the gold digger arena. Here are just a few things you should probably do if you want to increase your chances.

1) Become skinny– Rich guys like skinny women. Before you get angry and try to debate this point, think about it. Losing weight may require liposuction and dramatic changes in eating habits.

2) Implants– Guys don’t want to date Butterbodies. Almost all of them want someone curvy. Rich white guys go for big breasts (C cup absolute minimum), while their black colleagues prefer big junk in the trunk.

3) Facial surgery– Rich guys don’t want to date Butterface either. If you think that your face has some imperfection, you might actually be right. Examine your options with plastic surgery.

These suggestions are expensive, but that doesn’t mean they’re entirely optional. Remember, you have to be one of the hottest chicks around to compete. Don’t worry if you go a few thousand dollars in debt. Hot chicks can have those things paid off in no time.

What to Do:

After you have perfected your body, you can go into the sea to find your Daddy Warbucks.

1) Change your Job– If you want to find rich men, you have to be around them. One of the ways to do this is to change your job to one that involves interacting with wealthy clients. Jobs that fit this description include working at a luxury car dealership, high-end real estate, or working at a trendy urban bistro. Working for a cleaning service would be unwise, as he wants to be able to brag about meeting you.

2) Donate to Charities– What this means is not giving $5 to the PTA or buying Girl Scout cookies. It means donating a few thousand dollars to local (wealthy) charity benefits so that you can attend their exclusive soirees. Rich men will be there, and you will have the advantage over the other hot women who didn’t invest.

3) Participate in Community Service– Join city-wide community service groups. They have tons of hipsters and wealthy men. The key is that they are large and established. Participating will show the men that you care, and it will allow you to attend cocktail dinners where you can show yourself off.

4) Learn how to cook– Exchanging your body for Mr. Right’s riches is an imperfect arrangement at its core because there are more hot women than rich guys. He can easily replace you if he wants, so you need a trump card. Cooking can be just that. Most gold diggers can’t cook, so you would already be ahead of the curve. Plus, cooking will give the man memories of his childhood and images of a future of you having his kids. It’s a no brainer really. You don’t have to be an expert in making epic, homemade Gumbo or anything. Just be decent at it.

Words of caution:

– You have to start early to be a real gold digger. Early twenties is the ideal time.

– Gold diggers should be college educated so that they can find decent employment between guys and the arrangement doesn’t seem so obvious.

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